“Medical Science does not know how to quantify the healing effects of joy.” Nelsa Ciaponni, MD
Dusty had a double mastectomy 5 years ago, but the cancer had returned. She had lots of unsuccessful chemo, and her future looked
bleak. Doctors recommended a drug trial, but she knew that it would mean that she would not be able to have quality time with her daughter in the last summer before she left for college.
So Dusty made a radical decision. She stopped the chemo and decided to pack as much good times into that summer as she could. She joined hundreds of other women riding their motorcycles across the county to raise awareness and money for breast cancer. And she soaked up lots of her daughter’s company. When the summer was over, she went in for a medical check up. She was found to be CANCER FREE!
When I read this story in Tamela Rich’s book “Full Throttle,”“ I was thrilled for Dusty, but not surprised. Tamela too reclaimed her life by reconnecting with her own joy. There are many stories like these, but we sometimes think they only happen to someone else or are a fluke.
The quote from Dr. Ciaponni really said it all. What if there is much more to the healing effects of joy than we have been led to believe?
Daily we are bombarded with huge amounts of ever changing information about how to “fix” our bodies, most of which are of the “no gain, no pain” mentality. Ugh – no wonder we don’t follow that advice. We don’t hear very much about changing our emotions in order to change our health.
What happened tobody,mind, and spirit? Somehow we have lost being whole humans and are only seen as parts.
Some years ago in England, a group launched a “Happiness Project“ in an effort to help reduce and prevent illness. Participants who enrolled in the project were subjected to thorough scientific tests to measure the results. They found that being happier actually changes your brain for the better in many powerful ways. Wow!
And since my brain can use all the help I can give it, I have nothing to lose and my mind to gain, or gain back, by being happier.
At Harvard, the most poplar course in the whole school is on the psychology of happiness. (And you thought going to Harvard was just about how to be president!). The instructor, Dr.Tal Ben-Sharar, wrote a book called “Happier,” about what he had learned from the class. Now I’m not smart enough to get into Harvard, but I’m smart enough to learn from them, and you are too
What a radical idea …being happier really makes us healthier and it is much more fun that sweating and spinach!
The more I learn about the connection between happiness and health, the more excited I am to find out more. I’m not saying that I know a lot yet, but it makes so much sense to me that I am very excited to share what I have found out. After all, we know a lot about how unhappy emotions can make us feel bad – why not learn more about what we can do easily to have more positive emotions? And besides, being a very bossy woman, I like having more control over my health and my life. Maybe you can relate?
The Health, Hope, & Happiness workshops coming up will provide a place to learn more about this mind/body connection and will be fun at the same time. What’s not to like?
As for my personal journey, I’m realizing that just adding a“Daily Dose of Delight” is becoming as important as taking my vitamins.
It is something to look forward to, and it’s free.
And when someone asks me what I‘m doing, I will just say,
“I’m taking my medication,” and then I will laugh out loud!
Wow! It was a blast to be on “live” TV last week and your good wishes made it even better.
I felt so supported and like you were all there with me
I’ve gotten many emails & calls from folks who were sending good wishes even if they didn’t see it or read the follow up column in the Charlotte Observer on 9/19.
It’s really fun to have a “Fan Club”…even for a few days! Thank you.
Here’s the back story.
Bobby Sisk
Bobby Sisk, news anchor on WBNC, channel 36, called me Tues. morning about 10 to see if I could do the interview. He asked me to be at studio by 3:45 that afternoon with somewhat sane answers to the questions he sent me. I’d been taped for tv before but this was live…no way to edit what you say.Gulp!
Of course, it was an already packed day and I wasn’t sure how I could fit another thing into it but somehow it worked out.This was a powerful motivation to get organized!
It was very interesting to see how the studio really looks and to be “miked up”in the “green” ( its really grey) room. Bobbie Sisk. the anchor, was so helpful and relaxed that he made it very comfortable but I didn’t remember what said till I saw the tape.Seeing yourself on video is always a surprise.More makeup next time.
And his follow up email to me said: “Thank you- you are great to work with!”. What a classy guy !
I learned a lot in the experience and will be sharing that in regular newsletter soon.
I hope the information was useful.Several people told me I need to share this kind of info more so I will think about ways to do that.One person suggested a podcast, anther suggested public tv.Hummm….Your suggestions on that would be helpful & apprecaited.
So thank you to all of you & to Bobby for sharing the fun!
Wow- it was quite a trip! My recent vacation opened my eyes to many things…not only to the magnificent Rocky Mountains but the magnificent people who helped me get there. Most of them were complete strangers.
Not only was it a journey to a different place in the mountains but also a different place within me. Both locations were, at times, somewhat scary but very interesting.
The Great Old Broads have Style
In our hot NC summers, I like to go to somewhere cool so when I read about the Great Old Broads for the Wilderness trip to The Colorado Rockies, I was delighted. I could reconnect with an old friend in Denver and then camp out with the “Broads”. And be part of this amazing group dedicated to environmental causes as well as having fun. ”Libations for Happy Hour” were listed in instructions on what to bring….my kind of camping.
Those people are “Strangers”
The logistics of getting from Denver to the camp- 300+ miles away and getting gear across the country and other considerations seemed daunting but I kept thinking that somehow it could be done. I didn’t have a clue as to how.
Before I left, several people said ‘ “But you will be around strangers- you don’t know anyone in that group”. Little did I realize that this was a great advantage!
Exploring the Ins & Outs of Travel
I did find that one of the gifts of travel is to explore different places, including the ones you carry around inside of you.
Faking my strong woman act came young. I was raised to be very self-sufficient and take care of things myself. Early I learned to say the “Everything is just fine” line with the fake smile plastered on. And while this early training has been useful in many ways, it has also sometimes kept me from being truthful about what I was feeling and, of course, seldom asking for help. Sometimes, this has caused me to feel isolated and weary as I had to do it all myself.
The Kindness of Strangers
But on this trip, I truly began to learn to “rely on the kindness of strangers” because that was all that was around me. I had to ask for help regularly. And I also found that, just telling the truth about how I was feeling opened up vast amounts of support that I didn’t even know I wanted but loved having. And it connected me in very powerful ways.
The list of gifts, support & fun from folks I didn’t know is very long and I am very grateful for it all. The generosity still astounds me. From open arms hospitality from some one I had not seen in 15 years, to “taxi” service all over Denver, to a 600-mile ride, a hot shower and a stay in a luxury trailer, I was beautifully taken care of.
It’s Blowing In the Wind
But the best gift was how this trip showed me a part of myself that needed to be “blown away ” by the mountain wind. It was time to let go of an old, worn out way of being.
It was time to give up the “I can do it myself ” act and leave it like a pair of hiking boots that don’t fit any more. I”m trading them in for support, comfort & a new style. The sense of freedom is as intoxicating as the mountain views.
It only took a 3000-mile trip for me to find out that sharing my journey is all it takes to turn strangers into friends. I’m never alone because strangers are everywhere.
Sometimes I’m a little slow…but I do finally get there.
Free at last! I’m sure that is what I thought when I ran away from school in the first grade. I didn’t like all the rules and the kids were mean .So I just got my coat and started to walk toward home even though I had never walked that route before. One of my neighbors picked me up and took me home but it was several days before I went reluctantly back.And that was after the school principal came to my house to talk with me.
So you can see that the need for freedom has been with me a long time and why celebration of it makes the 4th of July a favorite holiday.
Founders of Freedom
I really identify with our country’s founders who wanted to have a say in how they lived their lives and were willing to fight for it. And like them, my need for that has often gotten me in trouble. But not trying to be free seems much worse.
And I also love how this holiday is celebrated with the simple joys of eating food outside, watching parades, and being dazzled by fireworks. It is all just relaxed fun even though the struggles we are honoring are often not.
Celebration and Fun
And so this newsletter is just for celebration and fun. I ‘ve had a good time coming up with my “Declarations of Independence” and “Freedoms”. I hope you will make up your own and share them with me.
Jeannie’s Declarations of Independence
* I hereby declare myself free from Social Media Madness. I’d rather have a real strawberry than a plastic blackberry; a hug from a real person is more valuable than a thousand “likes” from people who don’t know me, much less like me.
* I hereby declare myself free from the “Health Numbers Boogey Man”. All the scare statistics about calories, cholesterol, weight, etc. try to make me fit into an “average”. So I’m not average and I’d rather treat my body as the amazing gift that it is instead of squashing it into someone’s need for numbers.
• I declare myself free form the “Doom & Gloom” Crowd: I can be depressed on my own, thank you, and don’t need to hear “Aint’t It Awful” again. Spending time & energy paying attention to that keeps me from appreciating what is good and from doing what I can to change things. And besides, it is boring.
And being free of all this gives me time to delight in the simple, corny things (yep, that’s me) that the makes life so good and worth celebrating:
-Freedom to eat what I want when I want it, like ice cream at 2:00 am
-Freedom to read sleazy novels with no socially redeeming plot at all
-Freedom to turn up the music and loudly sing off key
-Freedom to say silly, goofy things to the people & pets I love
And most of all, freedom to write this newsletter just like I want it and to say what is in my head and in my heart. And know you will receive it in the same way. And you will join me in celebrating this amazing country that, in spite of all the challenges, was founded freedom for all.
And as we celebrate this, be sure to enjoy the delicious, beautiful sparkly fireworks inside all of us, just yearning to be set free.
Ever had the experience of where you realize that something you that used to make you feel good …an outfit, a place or even a person…don’t seem to fit right or feel as good as they once did? What happened to it while I wasn’t looking?
I have been having that experience lately.
When this happens, I usually try to deny it or try to make it work by putting in lots of effort to recapture what I am losing. I will make it work, I say…which of course is just asking for more frustration but then, I’m a slow learner.
Often I felt naked & vulnerable as it feels like things that have changed things are the things make me feel secure. I resent that I didn’t have a choice that my “blankness “ are going w away.
With lots of resistance...
It started to happen last fall when I had some health challenges and was advised to slow down some and not work so hard. I knew it was good advice and although difficult to put into practice, I liked the idea. And thought it would be great to have more time for myself.
So with some (lots) of resistance, I began to let go of some projects and obligations.
When winter came, I enjoyed some hibernating but still kept my long list of “to dos”. The quiet voiced kept asking me, ” Who would you be without all the doing?” It was scary to think of that.
But by spring, I began to get restless and felt “fenced in” by all the “musts & shoulds” I had built around me.
With reluctance, it began to occur to me all the “duties “ gave me some identity as well as kept me very busy with no time to look around.
The “safe places “ no longer fit or felt as good.
And while that was very good for a long time, I could also see that it also kept me in one place. My protection “fences” had, in some ways, became barriers. The “safe places “ no longer fit or felt as good.
I began to see that I needed to slow down so I could pay attention at first. But now I needed to clear some room to grow…. I needed more wide-open spaces and fewer fences.
If every day is filled, it leaves little room for creating & exploring.
What would my life be like if I could let go a little and open space for new and old dreams to appear? And if I could allow myself to feel unsure and naked a bit, maybe I could take down some of my “fear fence”…and I might have a great new view!
So now as I take baby steps in exploring some new areas, I like playing the old cowboy song, ” Don’t Fence Me In “ and the Dixie Chicks wonderful song celebrating “Wide Open Spaces” .
They remind me that it is only in outgrowing our fences, that we are truly free
“People are like stained glass windows.Sparkle & shine when the sun shines but when it is dark, you only see the beauty if there is light within.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
History is really on my mind now with Black History month just passed, Women’s History in March this month & in own birthday coming up soon. All of these make me reflect what history and heroes really are. In the midst of living our lives we don’t often see the things we are doing with much appreciation of they really mean.
For many of us, when we think of our own history, it appears to be a story of missed opportunities, wrong turns and failures.Yet when we learn about others people’s history,we often see their struggles as very important parts of the story. But of course, living thru those challenges doesn’t seem very inspiring at the time.
Just doing what needs to be done.
Just doing what needs to be done seems very ordinary when you are the one doing it but very important to the people it affects. Rosa Parks said she just wanted to sit down on the bus after a long day at work. Betty Friedan just wrote a book ( The Feminine Mystique ) about housewives like herself that help to start the Women’s movement
Her “cloudy lens” story.
Recently a client gave a great example of how our own views are often cloudy.
She had quit her unfulfilling job to start her own business when her husband was laid off. She tried to keep her business going but soon realized that it was not going to support her family and the stress was causing lots of problems. So she went back to her previous profession to get some money coming in and put her dream of her own business on hold.
Like so many of us, she felt she was just “doing what needed to be done”.
Yet, as she told me her story, it was filled with self-criticism of what she should have done and the mistakes she felt she had made. She was crying as she told it.
I suggested that she was seeing it thru a “cloudy lens” ‘and that she could
re-write her story to focus on the effect of what she had done…saving her family. And that is a very big deal to them.
My own history and inheritance.
I know this story very well as my mother did the same thing. She went to work for the first time at age 42 and eventually opened a business as a way to support us when my father became ill. Her courage and willingness to do “what needed to be done ” are the best inheritance I have.
A New Story
As I retold my client’s story, from new point of view, her tears stopped and she begin to smile.
“What a gift…and a relief- to see it thru other eyes. I never thought of it that way. I think I’ll change my story,” she said.
This long-term effect is huge…. Rosa Parks just sat on a bus, Betty Friedan just wrote a book, but both of these ordinary acts changed our lives.
What Heros Are
Hero are not born, I think, but are often ordinary people who just do what needs to be done and in doing that, give the rest of us a much different and better history.
“ Loving yourself is the greatest gift you can give someone else ”
Yep. It’s the “luv’ month and all the ads saying how buying jewelry, candy and flowers is the best way to show your love to someone. And it sure is important to let other know you love them. I even have an annual “Make a Valentine “ party where we create valentines and eat chocolate so I’m all for that.
But it seems to me one of the people we often leave out of the “Love List” is ourselves.
Yes, I know this not what we usually think of because we have been taught that loving ourselves is selfish and self-centered. When in fact, it is the opposite is true. Babies and even plants all thrive more when they get positive energy.
And I know this is true for me. When I feel good about me I am not so interested in finding fault with you.
But most of us don’t even like ourselves much and treat ourselves much more meanly that we would treat anyone else. Regularly. I hear friends and clients say things like “I’m so stupid, so fat , so laziest .” And advertisers want to convince us that we cannot get love until we are much better. …Slimmer, smarter etc.
We seem to have the Marine boot camp view that we have to tear ourselves down before we can built ourselves up…Only we never get to the building up part and seem stuck in tear down.
When Do I get to Perfect?
We think that we can’t be loving to ourselves until we are perfect…. and that day never comes. Yet we often love others who have annoying flaws …but we care about them still. Why not us?
And as I am writing this one of my dogs comes by and stops for her expected pets and praise. And I am happy to give it to her…not because she is perfect (my chewed up shoes and flower beds will attest to that) but just because I love her.
A Wild Thought
And then a wild l thought comes to me…what if I gave myself as some of the appreciation and affection as I give my pets? I could certainly use some more pats and praise not to mention treats and play. And lots of “Good Girl” and other goofy things I say to them would be fun to say to myself.
How about “ Good Woman” instead of “Good Dog” or “What a fine person you are! “ You are so precious” and other silly but loving phrases. I ’m getting the hang of this… it could be a whole new vocabulary.
Smiles & Chuckles
Just thinking of doing this makes me smile and even chuckle. It feels very good.
And when I feel good, I am much less critical and cranky…
And surely, that’s a great gift to others.
And so to answer the question, ”What’s Love got to do with it? The answer is everything!
Jeannie Fennell is optimistic by nature. She is also realistic when it comes to the energy it takes to search for a job. She encourages job seekers to find a balance between looking for work and still living their lives.
Fennell is a former recruiter, employment manager and college career counselor. She now operates her own company called Lifeworks.
“I do this whole talk about making sure you have some things to do that have nothing to do with the job search. Learn something new, do something fun, get rest and get exercise. That is so critical because looking for a job is very stressful and it is very draining,” Fennell said.
In her practice, she is seeing some good trends. “First thing people want to know is are you seeing more people getting jobs?” Her answer is yes. “It definitely is a slow growth, but it is a growth. Just the other day someone e-mailed me and said, ‘I’ve been unemployed two years and hardly gotten any interviews and now I’ve gotten three.’”
That said, there is still one major area where Fennell says many job seekers need to focus: “Most people say, ‘I’ve been really looking. I’ve sent out hundreds of resumes.’. And I say, ‘Wrong.’ What people don’t understand is there are more jobs out there but it is just like it’s always been and more so. Eighty to 90 percent of all jobs are filled by somebody who knows somebody.”
In other words, get out and beat the bushes. And most important, never underestimate your connections. You don’t know who your friends or former colleagues know until you ask. “They may find something for you. Or at least someone for you to talk to,” Fennell said.
I’ll give you an example. A co-worker recently mentioned she was writing a letter of recommendation for a friend who was applying for a job. Ends up, I knew not only the applicant but also a member of the board that oversees that employer. Again, this is proof that in your job search, it can end up being a small world.
Fennell is also seeing more of her clients finding contract work. Others, she says, are starting their own businesses. Whatever direction you decide, she reminds you to strike a balance: “At the end of the day, when you’ve had just one more rejection, it really helps to say, ‘I’m going to do this tonight. Have something to do.’”
Have you ever gotten a gift that you didn’t know exactly what to do with? You know it could be useful if you could just figure it out.
That’s just what I felt when I awoke to a snow filled world on Monday.
The world had stopped…
Of course I had heard it was coming but the reality that the world had “stopped” was different.
Suddenly I had a whole day or more open with all my plans put on hold. No places to go and nothing to do. It really felt strange but somehow exciting. What could I do with this gift of time?
I thought about all the many times I had complained about having too much to do and all the times I had wished I could go back to bed. How often had I said that I didn’t have time to do something? I have often felt like I didn’t have enough time.
Yet when “free time “was given to me, I was a little lost. But on vacation. I could easily do little all day and feel great about it. Why was this different? I know I could fill it up with household chores but that didn’t seem right. It felt like a time to do something different that would mark this special; not just marking time until I could get back to life as usual.
This was a gift that I wasn’t sure how to unwrap.
And then I remembered a friend who was a high level manger who regularly scheduled a “Pajama Day”.
She didn’t get out of her jammies all day and did only things that were relaxing- no guilt & no chores. She said those days made it possible to continue with her otherwise hectic life.
So what would it be like to have a “mini-vacation’? How about a nap at 11:00 or lunch of cookies at 3:00? What if I only did things that felt good even if I was “wasting time “?
What a radical idea!
So a little awkwardly, I proceeded. Some of the ”shoulds” lingered but they left when I got excited about doing something different even if was to just prove I could. It was amazing how easily my day flowed as I just asked myself. ”What so you feel like doing now?” Some of the answers were surprising like when I decided to watch some daytime TV…but all opened up some pocket of permission At the end of the day, I felt really good…renewed and relaxed and ready to make this a habit.
So now part of my New Years Intentions is to have more “Snow Days/Grow Days” even if it summer!
I think I’ll buy some new pajamas to make them official.
” If the only prayer you ever say is Thank You , that is enough.” Meister Eckhart
Dear Friends,
This is just to say thank you for being in my life….as friends,clients. or maybe someone I have never met.I do consider everyone on my address list as a friend…even if you are people I have not met face to face.
I am grateful to have you in my life.
This year, I have had the privilege of working with many people going thru major life transitions and their courage and resilience has been an inspiration to me.I think one the great gifts of living a while is to realize that we do have the strength to get thru tough times.. we have done it before.
We are all going thru times of change but remember we all come from hardy stock.I am reminded of our relatives who certainly went thru many times of difficulty and passed their strength on to us.I think of my grandmother & my mother who both found themselves having to make a living for themselves & their children when they had never done so before.They did what they had to do with grace and lots of sweat! And were always grateful for the life and love that they had and shared with others.
How can we not do the same?
I’m sure you there are people you know who are like that too.
Surely,we all have a heritage that has both survived and thrived & so can we.I am grateful to remember that. Sometimes the gifts I get from a “growing experience ” are the ones that really last,
although I usually can’t see it at the time!
I have always really liked the idea of Thanksgiving.It is special to me not only because I love to eat but because it seems very wonderful for a nation to set aside a special day each year to give thanks.So wherever we come from, we can take a few minutes to be grateful for all we have and all those who touch our lives.
And so I want to let you know that I am grateful to you for staying on my list,for reading what I send to you and for giving me feedback.I am also very grateful that you ask me to support you by becoming a client,a workshop participant or taking the time to write a comment to me.
So, just know that you are appreciated and valued.
Thank you for enriching my life…and pass the turkey!
Jeannie is a psychologist & life coach who helps you identify what’s right with you and gives practical, positive tools & skills to create a life that works.
“My clients are bright competent people who just need a new perspective, new tools and support as they go through life transitions.”
Clients facing changes in career, finances, relationships and health consult with Jeannie during individual sessions or through workshops and presentations.
