WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

“Self -care is never a selfish act but is the only gift I can give others.” Parker Palmer

Any holiday that is celebrated with chocolate,flowers, wine & sappy love songs is a good one to me. And I’ll take all the love I can get…anywhere, anytime. Valentines is usually about romantic love but all love makes us feel good so I’m for more of that. But it seems that we often buy the media idea someone is our “soulmate” and is  somewhere else and then  wonder why we can’t find them. And as is often the case for me, love and other goodies are  right under my nose ….but like most of us, I bought the idea that getting it was someone else’s job, not mine.And that  I  had to wait until Prince  or Princess Charming came along to kiss me awake. I finally did wake up but not till I got an great  present… and is sometimes the way, it did not look like a gift at the time. It was not new or shiny and didn’t cost anything. But it profoundly changed my life and still does. So, dear ones. I want to give this gift to you. It came about when I was taking a counseling course and we were given a homework assignment to write everyday the answers to this  question: ” If I loved myself,I would….”. Well, it seemed like a simple assignment and I smugly assumed that it would be easy to answer. Was I ever wrong about that! When I sat down to do the assignment,I drew a complete blank. I realized that I could “spout ” the lofty words about loving & respecting myself but didn’t have a clue about putting that into action. It was a humbling experience. But if I didn’t know  how to do that, I knew someone who did.My friend Chris was always encouraging,even when I screwed up and gave me lots of “atta girls” as well as many gentle pushes. And I knew she loved me even when she told me truths I didn’t want to hear. I trusted her to have my back. Could I possibly learn to do that for myself? It was a tall order. Suddenly I realized that I had been “looking for love in all the  wrong places”. I kept looking for someone else to love me so I could feel loved…but never thought if I loved myself, I could always count on that. What a relief! And I would not have to sing those corny  country songs about how I was left & lost. Maybe I  am my own “soulmate.” What a radical idea! And it relived me of the burden to try to be a saint and be willing to wait on appreciation  after I was dead and had the plaster statue. Why not start giving it to myself right now?  I saw that I had & still have, lots to learn about this “Lovin” stuff.But is seemed worth it to me to try. What did I have to lose? And I finally  realized  that loving myself was the  extreme opposite of “selfishness”. If fact, it is the most loving thing  I can do for the people in my life. If my own “luv bucket “was full, I would have lots to give away; if it is empty, no one gets any. When I didn’t have enough for everyone, I complained  and blamed. I could not give what I don’t have.Full buckets make for fulfilling lives. At  first,I  found that I had to say  “No” to lots of things that were easy  and shiny quick fixes but left me depleted in the long run.Sorta like junk  food! And also “No”to my personal favorites of procrastinating and pretending;they had seemed like best friends but were more like “Desperate Housewives”! And then an amazing thing happened .Life slowly became easier and more fun. I began to really enjoy the people  in my life and even started to like to spend time just with myself …at least more  of the time.It began to be a good challenge to see what good stuff I  could give myself.It became a way of life. Don’t get  me wrong, I’m still a huge work in progress and I forget to practice self care & self appreciation much of the time….but I do know now that asking that question is an invitation to  much more love in my life. Who doesn’t want that ? So my Valentine gift to you, my lovely friends, is to learn along with me . What’s love got to do with it ?                          EVERYTHING !

 

Introducing the Revolutionary “DUMP DIET”

 

Lose Those Things that Weigh You Down…        More Fun Than Sweating & Spinach                           Dump the D’s     The first step is to Dump things that are energy suckers (not lollipops!) Kicking them to the curb is a great work out . 1. DRAINERS & DOWNERS: Dump those situations, people & media that suck  my energy with “Ain’t it Awful” stories as well as ones that tell me how bad it is in the world.They leave me depressed and down. No wonder my best friends Ben & Jerry have to rescue me. 2. DRAMA: I’m declaring  my life a “No Drama  Zone & I’m becoming a “No Drama Mama” .When I spend too much time on my own or others recurring drama, its like indigestion.Just a repeat of what I  should not have had in the first place & it keeps coming back. No Alka Selzer fixes this. 3. DIFFICULT & DEMANDING: I’m deleting  these “donut holes” of people & situations that  make me take to drink. They promise something good &  look yummy  at first  but deliver only hot air & headaches.  This applies   to things I have bought that  require huge time/energy  to mange or people who do the same.I’ve had enough! A steady diet of these weighs me down & makes me look for the bottle of wine.

Whew! I feel lighter already! Getting the “junk food” out of my life really works! So now I have space for my  New Meal Plan.    My new “Meal Plan” has lots of SOUL food: I’m feeding   my Soul more than my body. I’m looking forward to:*A Breakfast of Champions- reading about and talking to people who are inspiring & making a difference.A great way to start my day. *A Light Lunch of Laughter- I sit down to see “The Daily Show” rerun or read something that is silly. A pause that refreshes. *Dinner Delights- My evening meal will be a savory stew of  friends & loved ones  with lots of juicy stories and bubbling with love.Very full – feeling & fulfilling. All of course, flavored with a large amount of my award winning “Silly Spice”.   MY EXERCISE PLAN:* DO NOTHING DAY : I’m going to exercise my right to have a “Do Nothing Day”  & “push back ” on all the the doing .I’m getting rid of the “Guilt Gut”. After all,  men all over are watching the games for hours and feel entitled to do that …why can’t I ? So I’m flexing my “No Guilt “muscle …its only Fitting.* PUMP UP POWER : My power lifting is to sing out loud to my favorite music at least once a day. There is nothing like a few minutes  singing & dancing – you should see the  moves I make up- to  give me a “power lift” & a “luscious laugh”. And  pump  a little “iron ” into my  spirits. Move over Ellen !   So there you have it…The Soon To Be Famous “Dump Diet”. Guaranteed to make you fell lighter …if only because you had to laugh at me! So get with the program!

 

A HOIDAY MESSAGE

Season’s Greetings, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Celebrate Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays, Solstice Salutations, Feliz Navidad.   However you celebrate it, I wish you a wonderful Season of Light.

 

And for me, for several years I have sent out this message and it never fails to to remind me of what is important. And in this time of national loss and for many, including me, personal loss, I feel joined with people around the world who  remember to cherish each other    and all the gifts of love & light we have all been given.  We are connected in all the ways that count. **************                             MORE LIGHT TO SEE WHAT IS IMPORTANT      In every tradition, we commemorate the end of the darkest & longest days and the beginning of a time of more sunlight. On fact, the root word for “Christ ” is the same as for crystal or clear and of course, “mas ” means celebration. In olden times, people celebrated having more sunlight  in their days and so we  do the same. We light candles and have sparkly things  that glitter and glow. Throughout the world, this time is part  of  many different traditions but they all include celebrating  more light in our lives.  But most important, it is a time for moving into a “lighter” space and joyously renewing our connections to each other and the earth.  A NEW YEAR AND A NEW VIEW For many people, it is also a New Year and a time for new beginnings. A time to reflect on what is meaningful and to pay more attention to what is valuable  to us …. and to vow to remember those things more. In that spirit, I want to share what has become my tradition, this excerpt from ”A Christmas Story ” by Truman Capote*.   CELEBRATING WHAT WE HAVE The speaker is Sook, Truman’s elderly and disabled aunt who teaches us about life in her simple and profound way. Whatever your holiday or religious tradition, I think we can all learn from her words to remember what is really important and appreciate the gifts in  the everyday  we  have. On a cold and empty Christmas afternoon Sook exclaims to young Truman: ” ‘My, how foolish I am!’ she cries, suddenly alert, like a woman remembering too late she has biscuits in the oven. “You know what I’ve always thought?” she asks in a tone of discovery, and not smiling at me but a point beyond. “I’ve always thought a body would have to be sick and dying before they saw the Lord. And I imagined that when He came it would be like looking at the church window…pretty as colored glass with the sun shining through, such a shine you don’t know it’s getting dark. And it’s been a comfort, to think of that shine takes away all the spooky feeling. But I’ll wager it never happens. I’ll wager at the very end a body realizes he has already shown Himself.” Her hand circled in a gesture that gathered clouds and kites and grass and Queenie, our dog, pawing earth over her bone.   ”That things as they are, just what they’ve always been, was seeing Him. As for me, I could leave the world with today in my eyes. “     So in this special season, let us see  our own world  with Sook’s eyes. I hope this season brings you much light and love. Jeannie                       (*Truman Capote, A Christmas Memory, Modern Library, 1996)

 

 

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS

Lately, I have had the sensation of being in a movie where two different worlds are colliding and I’m sometimes not sure which one is the “ alternative “universe.

What happens is that one day, I see one version of a world & then a little later, I see something completely opposite.

Which world is right? Are we coming or going?

No wonder I’m getting whiplash!

Recent events have brought these in sharp contrast & I had some sharp realizations about what these differences mean especially for women.

First we had the amazing Olympics where, for the first time, every country had a women athlete. Women from every walk of life were glorious and gracious in their strength and power. Little girls everywhere now have real models to inspire them and they will see this a normal.

I realized that when I was growing up, I didn’t know about any women athletes at all, much less see them as famous and important.

Then there August 26 ,“Women’s Equality Day” which was designed to honor the day, 90 years ago, that women got the right to vote. The founding fathers had that right since the Revolutionary War but it took a long time for women to have that right.

When I realized that my grandmother was born into a world where she could not vote, it made it very real to me. And I know I often just take this for granted.

Then we had the “competing conventions” which had many differences but both featured inspiring speakers, including many women. Many came from humble backgrounds but had choices that helped them move forward. And all over the world, people listened to them and cheered.

And I realized that they grew up just like me, where they were able to live a life of more choices than their parents ever knew.

But then in another “world”, choices for women’s health as well as the ability to vote seem to be taken over and a totally different view of a world is being shown.

And I realized that I recognized these same scenes from my own long ago youth and I remember that time with much pain.

I felt very upset when I looked at this “world”. It seems like a step back in time…a time when choices were very limited and expectations for a better life were low. And while I know progress in never easy and that there is often a backlash, for a while I was very discouraged. Haven’t we been here before?

But the more I thought about it & looked around me, the more reasons I saw to feel positive about the future. Yes, there are these two competing views but which one do I want to live in?

All these “realizations” make me sure that we are moving forward even though some would like to take us back to an “old world”.

I know I do have a choice as to where I put my time & energy and that what I focus on will always grow…past pain included.

So when I see the young moms in my book club raising future presidents, my young neighbors changing education for children & the environment and my young niece being an equal partner in her marriage & her business, I begin to relax. They are creating a better world.

Just like every generation has always done.

And those Olympic athletes are certainly not going to accept anyone else’s view of their world. Try telling them that they can’t do something & you’d have to get far out of the way. Maybe go into another universe!

And so in the War of the Worlds, I know who will win.

                      All of us.

THE MISSING LINK….HEALTH, HOPE, & HAPPINESS

                                    “More fun than Sweating and Spinach”

 

“Medical Science does not know how to quantify the healing effects of joy.” Nelsa Ciaponni, MD

 

Dusty had a double mastectomy 5 years ago, but the cancer had returned. She had lots of unsuccessful chemo, and her future looked

bleak. Doctors recommended a drug trial, but she knew that it would mean that she would not be able to have quality time with her daughter in the last summer before she left for college.

So Dusty made a radical decision. She stopped the chemo and decided to pack as much good times into that summer as she could. She joined hundreds of other women riding their motorcycles across the county to raise awareness and money for breast cancer. And she soaked up lots of her daughter’s company.  When the summer was over, she went in for a medical check up.  She was found to be CANCER FREE!

 

When I read this story in Tamela Rich’s book “Full Throttle,”“ I was thrilled for Dusty, but not surprised. Tamela too reclaimed her life by reconnecting with her own joy. There are many stories like these, but we sometimes think they only happen to someone else or are a fluke.

The quote from Dr. Ciaponni really said it all. What if there is much more to the healing effects of joy than we have been led to believe?

Daily we are bombarded with huge amounts of ever changing information about how to “fix” our bodies, most of which are of the “no gain, no pain”  mentality. Ugh – no wonder we don’t follow that advice.  We don’t hear very much about changing our emotions in order to change our health.

What happened to body, mind, and spirit? Somehow we have lost being whole humans and are only seen as parts.

Some years ago in England, a group launched a “Happiness Project “ in an effort to help reduce and prevent illness. Participants who enrolled in the project were subjected to thorough scientific tests to measure the results. They found that being happier actually changes your brain for the better in many powerful ways. Wow!

And since my brain can use all the help I can give it, I have nothing to lose and my mind to gain, or gain back, by being happier.

At Harvard, the most poplar course in the whole school is on the psychology of happiness. (And you thought going to Harvard was just  about how to be president!). The instructor, Dr.Tal Ben-Sharar,  wrote a book called “Happier,”  about what he had learned from the class. Now I’m not smart enough to get into Harvard, but I’m smart enough to learn from them, and you are too

What a radical idea   …being happier really makes us healthier and it is much more fun that sweating and spinach!

The more I learn about the connection between happiness and health, the more excited I am to find out more.  I’m not saying that I know a lot yet, but it makes so much sense to me that I am very excited to share what I have found out.  After all, we know a lot about how unhappy emotions can make us feel bad – why not learn more about what we can do easily to have more positive emotions?  And besides, being a very bossy woman, I like having more control over my health and my life.  Maybe you can relate?

The Health, Hope, & Happiness workshops coming up will provide a place to learn more about this mind/body connection and will be fun at the same time. What’s not to like?

As for my personal journey, I’m realizing that just adding a“Daily Dose of Delight” is becoming as important as taking my vitamins.

It is something to look forward to, and it’s free.

 

And when someone asks me what I‘m doing, I will just say,

 “I’m taking my medication,” and then I will laugh out loud!

 

 

 

My 5 Minutes of Fame & Fun

 

 Wow!  It was a blast to be on “live” TV last week and your good wishes made it even better.

I felt so supported and like you were all there with me

I’ve gotten many emails & calls from folks who were sending good wishes even if they didn’t see it or read the follow up column in the Charlotte Observer on 9/19.

It’s really fun to have a “Fan Club”…even for a few days! Thank you.

Here’s the back story.

Bobby Sisk, news anchor on WBNC, channel 36, called me Tues. morning about 10 to see if I could do the interview. He  asked me to be at studio by 3:45 that afternoon with somewhat sane answers to the questions he sent me. I’d been taped for tv before but this was live…no way to edit what you  say.Gulp!

Of course, it was an already packed day and I wasn’t sure how I  could  fit another thing into it but somehow it worked out.This was a powerful motivation  to get organized!

It was very interesting to see how the studio really looks and to be “miked up”in the “green” ( its  really grey) room. Bobbie Sisk. the anchor, was so helpful and relaxed that he made it very  comfortable but I  didn’t remember what  said till I saw the tape.Seeing yourself on video is always a surprise.More makeup next time.

And  then he wrote about our conversation in more depth in his column on job search in Sunday Observer.

And his follow up email to me said: “Thank you- you are great to work with!”. What a classy guy !

I learned a lot  in the experience and will be sharing that in regular newsletter soon.

I hope the information was useful.Several people told me I need to share this kind of info more so  I will think about ways to do that.One person suggested a podcast, anther suggested public tv.Hummm….Your suggestions on that would be helpful & apprecaited.

So thank you to all of you & to Bobby  for sharing the fun!

 

STRENGTH FOR THE JOURNEY

 

“The only journey is the journey within.”

 

Wow- it was quite a trip! My recent vacation opened my eyes to many things…not only to the magnificent Rocky Mountains but the magnificent people who helped me get there. Most of them were complete strangers.

Not only was it a journey to a different place in the mountains but also a different place within me. Both locations were, at times, somewhat scary but very interesting.

 

The Great Old Broads have Style

 

In our hot NC summers, I like to go to somewhere cool so when I read about the Great Old Broads for the Wilderness trip to The Colorado Rockies, I was delighted. I could reconnect with an old friend in Denver and then camp out with the “Broads”. And be part of this amazing group dedicated to environmental causes as well as having fun. ”Libations for Happy Hour” were listed in instructions on what to bring….my kind of camping.

 

Those people are “Strangers”

 

The logistics of getting from Denver to the camp- 300+ miles away and getting gear across the country and other considerations seemed daunting but I kept thinking that somehow it could be done. I didn’t have a clue as to how.

 

Before I left, several people said ‘ “But you will be around strangers- you don’t know anyone in that group”. Little did I realize that this was a great advantage!

 

Exploring the Ins & Outs of Travel

 

I did find that one of the gifts of travel is to explore different places, including the ones you carry around inside of you.

 

Faking my strong woman act came young. I was raised to be very self-sufficient and take care of things myself. Early I learned to say the “Everything is just fine” line with the fake smile plastered on. And while this early training has been useful in many ways, it has also sometimes kept me from being truthful about what I was feeling and, of course, seldom asking for help. Sometimes, this has caused me to feel isolated and weary as I had to do it all myself.

 

The Kindness of Strangers

 

But on this trip, I truly began to learn to “rely on the kindness of strangers” because that was all that was around me. I had to ask for help regularly. And I also found that, just telling the truth about how I was feeling opened up vast amounts of support that I didn’t even know I wanted but loved having. And it connected me in very powerful ways.

 

 

The list of gifts, support & fun from folks I didn’t know is very long and I am very grateful for it all. The generosity still astounds me. From open arms hospitality from some one I had not seen in 15 years, to “taxi” service all over Denver, to a 600-mile ride, a hot shower and a stay in a luxury trailer, I was beautifully taken care of.

 

It’s Blowing In the Wind

 

But the best gift was how this trip showed me a part of myself that needed to be  “blown away ” by the mountain wind. It was time to let go of an old, worn out way of being.

 

It was time to give up the “I can do it myself ” act and leave it like a pair of hiking boots that don’t fit any more. I”m trading them in for support, comfort & a new style. The sense of freedom is as intoxicating as the mountain views.

 

It only took a 3000-mile trip for me to find out that sharing my journey is all it takes to turn strangers into friends. I’m never alone because strangers are everywhere.

 

Sometimes I’m a little slow…but I do finally get there.

 

Broads Help Each Other Cross a Stream

 

LET FREEDOM RING! Celebrate the Sparkles….

 

Free at last! I’m sure that is what I thought when I ran away from school in the first grade. I didn’t like all the rules and the kids were mean .So I just got my coat and started to walk toward home even though I had never walked that route before. One of my neighbors picked me up and took me home but it was several days before I went reluctantly back.And that was after the school  principal came to my house to talk with me.

So you can see that the need for freedom has been with me a long time and why celebration of it makes the 4^th of July a favorite holiday.

Founders of Freedom

I really identify with our country’s founders who wanted to have a say in how they lived their lives and were willing to fight for it. And like them, my need for that has often gotten me in trouble. But not trying to be free seems much worse.

And I also love how this holiday is celebrated with the simple joys of eating food outside, watching parades, and being dazzled by fireworks. It is all just relaxed fun even though the struggles we are honoring are often not.

Celebration and Fun

And so this newsletter is just for celebration and fun. I ‘ve  had a good time coming up with my “Declarations of Independence”  and  “Freedoms”. I hope you will make up your own and share them with me.

Jeannie’s Declarations of Independence

* I hereby declare myself free from Social Media Madness. I’d rather have  a real strawberry than a plastic blackberry; a hug from a real person is more  valuable than a thousand “likes” from people who don’t know me, much less like me.

* I hereby declare myself free from the “Health Numbers Boogey Man”. All the scare statistics about calories, cholesterol, weight, etc. try to make me fit into an “average”. So I’m not average and I’d rather treat my body as the amazing gift that it is instead of squashing it into someone’s need for numbers.

• I declare myself free form the “Doom & Gloom” Crowd: I can be depressed on my own, thank you, and don’t need to hear “Aint’t It Awful” again. Spending time & energy paying attention to that keeps me from appreciating what is good and from doing what I can to change things. And besides, it is boring.

 

And being free of all this gives me time to delight in the simple, corny things (yep, that’s me) that the makes life so good and worth celebrating:

 

-Freedom to eat what I want when I want it, like ice cream at 2:00 am

-Freedom to read sleazy novels with no socially redeeming plot at all

-Freedom to turn up the music and loudly sing off key

-Freedom to say silly, goofy things to the people & pets I love

 

And most of all, freedom to write this newsletter just like I want it and to say what is in my head and in my heart. And know you will receive it in the same way. And you will join me in celebrating this amazing country that, in spite of all the challenges, was founded freedom for all.

And as we celebrate this, be sure to enjoy the delicious, beautiful sparkly fireworks inside all of us, just yearning to be set free.

Please pass the watermelon!

 

 

 

 

J

 

Don’t Fence Me In

WONDER WHAT’S ON THE OTHER SIDE?

Ever had the experience of where you realize that something you that used to make you feel good …an outfit, a place or even a person…don’t seem to fit right or feel as good as they once did? What happened to it while I wasn’t looking?

I have been having that experience lately.

When this happens, I usually try to deny it or try to make it work by putting in lots of effort to recapture what I am losing. I will make it work, I say…which of course is just asking for more frustration but then, I’m a slow learner.

Often I felt naked & vulnerable as it feels like things that have changed things are the things make me feel secure. I resent  that I didn’t have a choice that my “blankness “ are going w away.

With lots of resistance...

It started to happen last fall when I had some health challenges and was advised to slow down some and not work so hard. I knew it was good advice and although difficult to put into practice, I liked the idea. And thought it would be great to have more time for myself.

So with some (lots) of resistance, I began to let go of some projects and obligations.

When winter came, I enjoyed some hibernating but still kept my long list of “to dos”. The quiet voiced kept asking me, ” Who would you be without all the doing?” It was scary to think of that.

But by spring, I began to get restless and felt “fenced in” by all the “musts & shoulds” I had built around me.

With reluctance, it began to occur to me all the “duties “ gave me some identity as well as kept me very busy with no time to look around.

The “safe places “ no longer fit or felt as good.

And while that was very good for a long time, I could also see that it also kept me in one place. My protection “fences” had, in some ways, became barriers. The “safe places “ no longer fit or felt as good.

I began to see that I needed to slow down so I could pay attention at first. But now I needed to clear some room to grow…. I needed more wide-open spaces and fewer fences.

If every day is filled, it leaves little room for creating & exploring.

What would my life be like if I could let go a little and open space for new and old dreams to appear? And if I could allow myself to feel unsure and naked a bit, maybe I could take down some of my “fear fence”…and I might have a great new view!

So now as I take baby steps in exploring some new areas, I like playing the old cowboy song, ” Don’t Fence Me In “ and the Dixie Chicks wonderful song celebrating “Wide Open Spaces” .

They remind me that it is only in outgrowing our fences, that we are truly free

 

 

 

 

 

The Career Coach’s Corner

“What are some of the most common mistakes job seekers make?

The 3 H’s: Handshakes, Hugs & Help:
3 Key Ingredients in Finding Work

Coach Jeannie Says:
“Let me explain…”

All job seekers I have met work very hard on finding work…it is just that they sometimes  put their energy into places that don’t produce much results.
Often I hear them say that they have sent out lots & lots of resumes but have little response. Sending out lots of resumes is sort of like buying a lottery ticket…great if you win but your odds are not very good!
Job seekers often only try to connect with people who are advertising jobs. They don’t seem to realize that since 80-90% of jobs are not advertised and are filled by someone who is knows someone, they need to spend 80-90% of their time in getting known.And only 10-15%  of time in sending resumes for  jobs on the internet.
The old “6 degrees of separation” works hugely in this area.

Here is one of the ways to do this:

Take advantage of the many job seekers groups available….not only to polish up resumes & interview skills but to connect with others who are also looking.
They can tell you about opportunities that you cannot know about because they are in places you don’t go. They also have their own “network” that they can refer you to; you never know who they know.
It is like having your own job help army. They can be your “job scouts”.And you can do the same for them.

But you do have to attend the groups regularly and get known there. Share your  own knowledge & your network freely. Also volunteering to help set chairs, make coffee, etc. lets people see that you care and are responsible as well as visible.As other get to know you, they can recommend you.Reaching out to others means a lot.It may take a while but it sure beats sitting in front of the computer until your buns & brains are numb.

Social media has a place in job seeking but NOTHING  replaces personal contact & a reputation as a reliable & helpful person. Yes,it  sometimes “takes a village” to get a job so its important to get to know your neighbors!

A hug or a handshake is one of the most important thing you can do to find a job.

And it feels good to the
giver & receiver…and it is free.

*********************************************************

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